There is no specific order of DQ lanes vs. their fly-by position on the clock. The delays are discovered by the calibration process, and as you noted, used to set up the memory controller.

This paper gives a good overview: https://www.nxp.com/docs/en/application-note/AN4466.pdf

Summary of the calibrations done:

 * ZQ (drive strength and termination)
 * Write leveling (set outbound delay of DQS based on per-lane skew)
 * DQS gating (set read DQS 'validity window', that is, round-trip latency)
 * Read DQS delays (set read DQS DLL to align with read data midpoint)
 * Write DQS delays (set DQS delay to align with write data midpoint)

The standard for doing this is laid out in JESD79-3E, available here: https://www.jedec.org/document_search?search_api_views_fulltext=JESD79-3